The Lure of Cruelty - The Reward of Kindness

"It's so much easier to be bad than good. It feels so much more empowering to be cruel than kind. It's so much harder to be wise than ignorant, so much more painful to open our eyes and see the world around us as it is. But have you noticed how much more rewarding taking the hard way of life can be?"

Time for a confession readers. When I was younger... I was on a very dark path. Numb to the feelings around me, I took a grim satisfaction within myself in hurting others. I wasn't ever violent. I was much worse. I was cruel with my words.  

 It wasn't until I was older that I realized how lonely I was because of this. I made a change. And it was hard. I had to lose my temper. Which meant letting go of my anger towards everything around me. And it was terrifying. My anger at the time was my only strength I felt. It was what made me open my eyes in the morning, and breath during the day. It was what made me tick and function. I felt my very existence  filled with anger and bitterness and even loathing was a way to spite everyone and everything that had hurt me.

To be honest, I had been bullied in school for a long time before I got to this point. It is just a part of what made me into the dark creature I was. I justified hurting others by telling myself they would hurt me first if I did not. They would turn on me. They were all liars anyway. 

I am told I have a gift with words. A way about describing things, and putting things into perspective. And I had that when I was younger too. However I used it to maim and hurt people. I was full of anger. And animosities. I was hurt, and scared, and bitter.  There are reasons for it.. but the reasons are not important. The point was... I was incredibly awful. Making people cry or wary, hurting the feelings of those closest to me. It make me feel stronger. Braver. Untouchable. Invincible. I had a wall of spiteful hatred built around me and it kept everyone at bay: something I hated and something I relished. 

I was safe. From everyone. But as I grew older I realized that it wasn't right. And as my mother, who is also my mentor and teacher in Shamanism tried to help me grow past it so I could take up my heritage and birthright... she said words to me that have forever been engrained in my mind: "It is so much easier to be bad than good, baby."

These words were said to me one night while crying in her arms, asking her WHY I had turned into what I was, and why the people had done the things they did to me to make me that way.  Why were they  so cruel to me? And why did I feel the need to be cruel to everyone else?

These words, after I had calmed down and reflected on their meaning made everything make so much sense to me that it frightened me. It was true. It was easy to ignore the crying girl on the curb and just keep walking, or the broken down car on the highway. It was so much easier pretending not to notice that kid over there bullying the other. It was so much easier to bully other people than to look at them with equality and kindness. It felt so much better to feel stronger than the people around me. 

And that was why people are cruel. It's so much easier to simply not CARE. Because caring gets you hurt. Helping gets you walked on or over looked sometimes. TRYING seems useless. And for what purpose? It's so much easier to dwell in your own negativity and loathing than it is to let it go. 

Let me tell you. Even the kindest shamans understand. It's was so hard to let go of all the anger inside me as a young teenager. Trying not to let it consume me everyday until I wasn't angry at everything everyday was like being clawed from the inside out by horrible talons.

But I did it. And when I let go of all the ugly within me, I found someone I can stand. Someone I like. Someone who cares, no matter how much it gets me hurt. Someone who loves whole heartedly the stranger on the street, or the ones who are closest to me. Someone who tries, no matter how many times she fails. Someone who is willing to sacrifice time and energy to help another. 

Sometimes...it's still hard. There have been so many times where myself, or my Shaman mother, or my warrior brother, my elders or tribal brothers and sisters have wanted to give up. To not care. To give up what we know an just dredge forward and give into our own negativity. Or my lost little sister wants to give up on growing up and trying to find her place within her own world. We are tested. CONSTANTLY we are tested, and bullied and thrown around or taken advantage of.  But we are there, urging each other forward. Nursing our wounded positivity and love for the world back to health. Reminding each other why are who are we are and what we are instead of like everyone else. Repeating the things to our teachers TO our teachers when they too become tired and heavy.

And the reason we do this, the point of keeping our chin up when our life is loaded with heaviness... is because it is more rewarding. We get pleasure out of healing a wounded animal or person. We find joy in the smiles of happiness we get from a grateful person. The warmth of someone trusting us, and becoming a part of our world, and the pride of someone moving forward and making themselves better. If you are a cynical person you will understand it this way only: It's because we selfishly find being kind far more rewarding and pleasurable than being cruel. 

But we are not only rewarded with these things for our endurance of resisting the temptation to be cruel. We have a family, a tribe that surround us with absolute love. Even from far away. We find karma favours us and sometimes when we desperately need a boost from life we get a huge one. And we are not lonely in our irrevocable bond with each other and with other people. We are respected, and admired, just as we respect and admire each other and ALL of those who choose to be kind, or better themselves.  Life is kinder. Sweeter... and we can appreciate ourselves, and look at ourselves with pride as people.

It IS so much easier to be bad than good. But being good leaves a much sweeter taste, a more fulfilled feeling. And hey. It also turns out I feel stronger for it too. I feel much braver being kind than I did when I was cruel.