So it's been a while since I've made a post, and for that I do apologize. But we are most definitely getting back on track. And some of you may be wondering what may have happened to me? Why did I quit writing? Where did my words go?
And it's quite a simple answer: I wish I knew.
For a long time I was lost. Life seems to get harder and harder the more we grow up. The more things happen, the more painful incidents become. Money, relationships, family are all stresses that everyone has - so I am sure most of you understand when I say the following: Sometimes life just gets in your way, and the wrong turns you take lead you down dark paths and then you lose yourself in the maze we call life.
And when you lose yourself, you lose sight of who you are, who you want to be, and who you were. I do believe I am free enough right now to say that is exactly what happened to me. And it never helps if you're in situations emotionally where you have no support - or at least you feel that way.
Life has been hard lately. In the past couple of years, I've had a beautiful baby - she's almost 9 months as of today. And she is most definitely the best part of my life. The rest of it kind of sucks though and I hate to say it - I can relate it all to my bad decisions. My bad decisions to involve myself with people who care nothing about taking advantage of me, or beating me down, or trying to change who I am.
And it's just funny, because although you can't help who you love - you can choose to either let it control you, or you can 'man-up' (I say that loosely...) and choose the pain. I didn't choose the pain. I chose for a long time to let the outside influences of myself change me.
And now I am certainly trying to get back to myself.
Even now, I'm pining for someone who will never change, but instead wants me to break pieces of myself and throw them away so I learn to tolerate the emotional roller coaster that it is to love them. The breathless feeling of need of their presence when I know in my head it's bullshit. Nobody needs anyone. Not like that.
We're social creatures, and we do need other people - but we never need just one person for validation. We never need to lower ourselves and put up with being confused or hurt or unclear for any extended amount of time. We choose to do that.
We choose the pain that other people bring us. And that's what confuses us.
"Why do they do this to me? Why would they do that? I love them so much, and they say they love me, so why do they keep hurting me?"
Why do you choose to keep letting them? It's a primal instinct to need another person. The problem with someone who has been abused once, is we feel the need for validation. We feel the need to be loved. We cling to the smallest notions of this love and validation as soon as it appears. And it creates a vicious cycle. Maybe you're not being abused again per say - but I bet deep down - like me - you're not happy. Because those small nuggets of love and validation are few and far between. But you cling to them, because they come.
And then never mind the off-on again cycle. Never mind all the times you feel lonely when you're not supposed to, or the fact that things are said and done that make you feel misplaced or cry. It's those little desperate nuggets when things finally do feel good. And it's like.. that's all you need right? Those little moments wipe everything away.
And so you attract only those kinds of people. Only that kind of energy. Because you feel worthless and low, and you're easy prey. You depend on these people for validation when really they can't give it to you. Not in the way you deserve.
No one deserves to feel happy once a week or less. We deserve more than that. And if you're not - if you're in a situation where you are just clinging to the moments of happiness and the rest of the time you're stuck wondering why, or feeling out of place, or weird, or sad, or lonely... that is WRONG!
To break free from that - you need to recognize that you do deserve more. It's too hard to learn to love yourself before you break free of this circle of dependency. I am far from loving myself. It's hard to even come to terms with the fact that we do deserve more. I am struggling with it every day.
But I'm going to write it down. And then share it with everyone who ever lays eyes on this - because that way it's out there. The energy is being manifested. And I hope it resonates with people who have been stuck in the same vicious loop of pain and lonely that I have been for years. I hope you take this to heart because - even now tears and pain are ripping through me as I write this. Because I don't believe it yet - I just know it in my mind. Next I need to feel it in my heart.
I deserve more.
I deserve to feel loved - not just sometimes - but all the time.
I deserve to not have to wonder if I am loved.
I deserve to be able to talk to my friends and not have to worry about if it's going to cause a fight.
I deserve to feel secure.
I don't deserve to be told I am something I am not - and that I would stray away from my feelings of devotion when I would never.
I don't deserve to have to figure out and puzzle why one day my relationship is good, and why suddenly one day it's not.
I don't deserve to wonder why I'm not enough. Because I am enough. And every single person who has ever genuinely loved me for who I am has told me so repeatedly.
I don't deserve to hate myself.
I deserve more.
And so do you. So lets break free together. Lets look in the mirror and tell ourselves everyday that we deserve more. Until our heart believes it. Then when we figure out how to be happy on our own, how to survive without the constant pressure of up and down, fight or love, and never knowing what each day is going to be like... we will figure out how to love ourselves.
Then... we will learn how to attract people who love us for who we are - and who aren't afraid to show it.
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