Breaking Free From Dependency

So it's been a while since I've made a post, and for that I do apologize. But we are most definitely getting back on track. And some of you may be wondering what may have happened to me? Why did I quit writing? Where did my words go? 

And it's quite a simple answer: I wish I knew. 

For a long time I was lost. Life seems to get harder and harder the more we grow up. The more things happen, the more painful incidents become. Money, relationships, family are all stresses that everyone has - so I am sure most of you understand when I say the following: Sometimes life just gets in your way, and the wrong turns you take lead you down dark paths and then you lose yourself in the maze we call life.  

And when you lose yourself, you lose sight of who you are, who you want to be, and who you were. I do believe I am free enough right now to say that is exactly what happened to me. And it never helps if you're in situations emotionally where you have no support - or at least you feel that way. 

Life has been hard lately. In the past couple of years, I've had a beautiful baby - she's almost 9 months as of today. And she is most definitely the best part of my life. The rest of it  kind of sucks though and I hate to say it - I can relate it all to my bad decisions. My bad decisions to involve myself with people who care nothing about taking advantage of me, or beating me down, or trying to change who I am. 

And it's just funny, because although you can't help who you love - you can choose to either let it control you, or you can 'man-up' (I say that loosely...) and choose the pain. I didn't choose the pain. I chose for a long time to let the outside influences of myself change me. 

And now I am certainly trying to get back to myself. 

Even now, I'm pining for someone who will never change, but instead wants me to break pieces of myself and throw them away so I learn to tolerate the emotional roller coaster that it is to love them. The breathless feeling of need of their presence when I know in my head it's bullshit. Nobody needs anyone. Not like that. 

We're social creatures, and we do need other people - but we never need just one person for validation. We never need to lower ourselves and put up with being confused or hurt or unclear for any extended amount of time. We choose to do that. 

We choose the pain that other people bring us. And that's what confuses us. 
"Why do they do this to me? Why would they do that? I love them so much, and they say they love me, so why do they keep hurting me?"

Why do you choose to keep letting them? It's a primal instinct to need another person. The problem with someone who has been abused once, is we feel the need for validation. We feel the need to be loved. We cling to the smallest notions of this love and validation as soon as it appears. And it creates a vicious cycle. Maybe you're not being abused again per say - but I bet deep down  - like me - you're not happy. Because those small nuggets of love and validation are few and far between. But you cling to them, because they come. 

And then never mind the off-on again cycle. Never mind all the times you feel lonely when you're not supposed to, or the fact that things are said and done that make you feel misplaced or cry. It's those little desperate nuggets when things finally do feel good. And it's like.. that's all you need right? Those little moments wipe everything away.

And so you attract only those kinds of people. Only that kind of energy. Because you feel worthless and low, and you're easy prey. You depend on these people for validation when really they can't give it to you. Not in the way you deserve. 

No one deserves to feel happy once a week or less. We deserve more than that. And if you're not - if you're in a situation where you are just clinging to the moments of happiness and the rest of the time you're stuck wondering why, or feeling out of place, or weird, or sad, or lonely... that is WRONG!

To break free from that - you need to recognize that you do deserve more. It's too hard to learn to love yourself before you break free of this circle of dependency. I am far from loving myself. It's hard to even come to terms with the fact that we do deserve more. I am struggling with it every day. 

But I'm going to write it down. And then share it with everyone who ever lays eyes on this - because that way it's out there. The energy is being manifested. And I hope it resonates with people who have been stuck in the same vicious loop of pain and lonely that I have been for years. I hope you take this to heart because - even now tears and pain are ripping through me as I write this. Because I don't believe it yet - I just know it in my mind. Next I need to feel it in my heart.

I deserve more.
I deserve to feel loved - not just sometimes - but all the time.
I deserve to not have to wonder if I am loved.
I deserve to be able to talk to my friends and not have to worry about if it's going to cause a fight. 
I deserve to feel secure. 

I don't deserve to be told I am something I am not - and that I would stray away from my feelings of devotion when I would never. 
I don't deserve to have to figure out and puzzle why one day my relationship is good, and why suddenly one day it's not. 
I don't deserve to wonder why I'm not enough. Because I am enough. And every single person who has ever genuinely loved me for who I am has told me so repeatedly. 
I don't deserve to hate myself. 
I deserve more. 

And so do you. So lets break free together. Lets look in the mirror and tell ourselves everyday that we deserve more. Until our heart believes it. Then when we figure out how to be happy on our own, how to survive without the constant pressure of up and down, fight or love, and never knowing what each day is going to be like... we will figure out how to love ourselves.

Then... we will learn how to attract people who love us for who we are - and who aren't afraid to show it.

How Closure Can Heal

I think it's reasonable to guess that almost everyone in the world has experienced a situation in which they have received no closure. Whether it be an incident, a relationship, an experience, an addiction or lifestyle, I believe we all have dealt with something that moved us deeply and created a wound in which refuses to close. In fact, I think it's safe to say majority of people have experience several things in their life in which closure seems out of reach.

The worst thing about not having closure is humans have a habit of being lured into a false sense security after so long. The wound on our hearts involving whatever situation we experienced scabs over and we think: "Okay. I'm over it. I'm healed. It doesn't hurt or bother me any more. I don't care about it." And we truly think that this is the case until something happens to cause the scab to tear and allow the pus from the festering wound to seep out in the open and assault our senses with the stench of infection. Do keep in mind I'm saying this figuratively.

I guess one good example is the situation I am currently in. My biological father was never there for me as a child, or my early adulthood. I suppose at the ripe age of 26, I am still currently still in young adulthood. As a child, I wanted his attention. As a teenager, I was hurt and angry. As an adult, I didn't think I cared any more - as I have a few very strong and solid male role models in my life to lead and guide me.  On my wedding day, I didn't think about my biological father at all. The  day I left my husband, all I wanted was authoritative father figures I currently have. I thought: "I'm okay. I turned out fine. I don't hate him any more, I don't want him around and I certainly do not care what happens."

But as I mentioned, sometimes things happen that rip open that scab and make you face the infection of animosity (or pain or anger or whatever it is that the situation you are faced with) from whatever it is in which you have no closure. And it's always a shocker. It rocks you back on your heels as if you were hit by a sudden force of pressure, and sometimes it could take days to actually sink in.

I was informed that my biological father is basically... dying to put it bluntly a week or two ago. When I was first informed I felt nothing. But as I thought about it, I realized I was on a time limit now to actually be okay with the situation. Was I okay with letting him die without telling him how much he's hurt me?

Am I okay with him not recognizing me as a person that he helped create and bring into this world ? And that I turned out to be pretty influential even though I keep my circles tight and very small?

I have come to the conclusion that perhaps I was not as healed as I have thought. I am reaching out to him... I guess even this blog post is a way of reaching out to him. Because I want him to know that I turned out fine without him. Because that is my closure. I want him to know that he hurt me. But I grew up fine in spite of it. I want to tell him I love him, I hate him, and I do not think that when he dies the tears I will cry will be out of sadness, but of regret of never really knowing him, and never being loved by him.

I have father figures who are proud of me, who I strive to make proud of me. And I am okay with that. I've come to terms with them and they love me and see me for me. And I love them.  However, everybody knows it's not the same.

Perhaps it is not the nicest closure to receive, to tell a dying man that he wasn't needed after all, and that he hurt people in his life. I'm sure as he's dying, every regret is coming to him in loads. Perhaps I am one of them in some way, shape or form. I only fear the regret of me will be my existence - but I will not let that bother me. I will tell him even though I love him, I hate him, and to not expect sadness of his death from me, only regret.

Because that will be my closure even though it's hard to say - especially since as a shaman I am to understand the neutral side of his own feelings and fears. As a daughter though, I will not spend the rest of my life hating a dead man for what he never tried to do and for what he never did. I will tell him how I feel, so that when he finally journeys into the afterlife, I do not keep him tethered by a chain of animosity, but rather one of neutral acknowledgment that he once existed and some where his spirit will continue to exist. That way I can proudly continue to say that I am a shaman, and I have strove and continue to conquer my own physical and emotional faults - so that I can continue to help people without being a hypocrite.

Because the only way to cure a wound like this is to get closure. And I strongly urge those who have something that keep them in the past, or keep them from moving forward and onto new and brighter things is to do just this: Seek closure. Let your words leak from the heart, and come rushing forth without hesitation. Because that is the only way you will get closure - and even if the situation does not go as you hope - at the end of the day you will still have closure.

The peace that comes with closure is a heavenly feeling, and it leaves the taste of progress lingering in your mouth.  Usually closure comes with a price, and the action to gain that closure feels like one of the hardest things you will have to do. And perhaps, like in my situation, the realization that you even need closure can be shocking and hard to come to terms with. But once it is done... it is completely done.

So go forth, and get your closure. You deserve it.

The Blurred Lines

"Keep your enemies close, but your friends closer."

I know, I know. The saying usually goes the other way right? But that unfortunately mostly only holds true for people like James Bond. For us normal, everyday average common-folk, unfortunately it is the people we call family and friends who turn out to be the most villainous and harmful to our lives.

When we look back in context to every one we have ever had a battle with, anyone we have intentionally strove to hurt or attack, or held a grudge against it has usually been someone we once upon a time cared for. They were either family, or someone you were once good friends with. It's a sad thing, but for the most part, fact. 

Nobody can drive a person to such degrees of anger, and extended loathing better than someone who was once close to them. There are of course, a few exceptions but they are simply too horrible to list here.  The point of it is, when we reflect on our actions what have we discovered?

Were you the person to drive that friend to hate? Or were you pressed down, walked on and back stabbed to become that person of ire? The people you hate the most, are they people you used to believe were on your side? The line between love, hate and obsession is a very small, thin and often times blurred one. And that's what makes it so hard to fight off these feelings of animosity. 

What many people fail to realize is that if someone is a good friend to you, they can easily become your worst enemy. Not just because the more they care about you, the deeper the anger will run - but because they happen to know you. And an enemy that knows you best is by far the most dangerous thing. 

So for those of you that treat those who care about you abrasively, you may want to take a step back and reflect on if that is a good idea. Because how well can a person hurt you after they've known you? Friendship and love is a very powerful thing, and you may not want to toil it away, for true friends are few and far between.

Mind how you treat those around you, be conscious of how you treat others. And keep your friends close. Because the strongest love can be turned into the most toxic of hate. 

My advice to those who do have feelings of animosity and hatred for someone you once cared for - whether they be a friend, family, or family friend - let it go. And if you cannot, then try. Do not provoke. Don't antagonize, and don't initialize. Just let it go. Life your life, love new loves, and learn to let go of the anger towards others that you have.

At the end of the day, if you cross those blurred lines, the only person you truly hurt is yourself. By the time a war is done being fought, no one truly sees eye to eye. There is no resolution. Only the end of explosive arguments. And then everyone goes off to lick their wounds on their own.

Seething in unresolved anger is not good. So find a way to let it go. Whether that be communication and forgiveness, or just simply moving on with your life and putting the thought of the one who brings out those feelings away. Let it go. So that way the past does not tether you in an endless loop of drama and pain. 

Detox - The Proper Way (Body)

One of the many things about today's society that bothers me is the hype about "Detoxing" as part of a daily routine for diets. There is a lot of misguided thoughts about Colon Cleansers and Detoxes that make people think: "This will help me lose weight!"  It also strongly bothers me when people take western medicine to do this. Why are you taking a pill for detoxing your body - a pill that has an entire rapsheet of "potential side-effects?" Please. Can anyone explain this logic to me? Why would you not go the natural route - the route where the worst side effect's you'll get is an upset stomach?

The point of Detoxing your body is not to lose weight. If you lose a pound or two from doing doing such a thing to your body it simply means you had a lot of excess waste within your system - and it has been purged. It does NOT mean continue to do so - and you will keep losing weight. Because this method of losing weight is achieving two things: Dehydration and malnutrition. You are succeeding in giving yourself a constant stream of diarrhoea that is in no way shape or form beneficial to you once the initial detox has completed it's cycle. And that is why your body is withering away, it has nothing to do with "weight loss."

Why does this bother me so much? Well. I'm a shaman, and often times I prescribe a colon cleansing or a bodily detox to the people who ask me for help. I am a healer - and the hype the media and scum-bag dietary con-artists have plotted up are making the world unhealthy.  

Let me first explain what detoxing the body is for, because some of you may not understand. A detox of the body, sometimes called a "colon cleansing," is for the purpose helping ones body rid itself of the waste that has lined the digestive system and bowels - and has remained stuck there for longer than it needs to be. It also is good to help rid oneself of excess toxins from drug use, alcohol consumption and smoking (diuretics are also good for this.) Just to reiterate: Its called a colon "cleansing" and a "detox" for a reason. It aids in getting rid of withdrawals from substances as well by flushing them out of your system. 

And you do not need to do this more than once or twice a year - unless your an avid absorber of toxins that effect your body in such a way.

But how? How does one detox the body safely, without pills and questionable powders that they tell you to mix into the drinks that look add and taste awful? Easy.

There are several herbs that I personally use when I am creating a tea people to help them detox their bodies. The main herbs being: Senna leaf, Chamomile, Peppermint, hibiscus and Psyllium Husk.

The first four herbs are herbs I combine into a gentle tea. It doesn't taste bad. The active ingredients are the Senna. This leaf is great for people who are constipated as well. Most of the time, if a client is simply having bowel movement troubles, this is what I use.  For older people I use less senna to make it more gentle. If a person is constipated to an extreme, I use a rather large pinch. Senna has a way of sneaking up on you, it sometimes can take several hours to kick in. That does NOT mean use more or you won't have life outside of the bathroom for at least twenty-four hours. The peppermint is to sooth the stomach while your body is purging itself, and to add taste. The hibiscus is a diuretic, and is jam packed with antibodies that will need to be replenished as your body is losing them. And Chamomile is to once again, soothe the system, and keep your body relaxed as it purges whatever is in your system out. 

Now this is tea is situational. If we are needing a strong detox, then it is always used in two light doses for the first day, then a strong dose of senna for the next day. The light dose is to prepare the body for the main purge, so that the next day it is not so rough on the person. 

Psyllium Husk is an amazing herb. This herb can be used on farm animals (cows, and horses) with stomach related issues. (You can probably ask anyone with horses - Psyllium Husk can save a horses life.) But it's gentle enough to use on people, and small animals. For people, Twice a day until your body decides to purge itself. Three spoonfuls of the herb directly in a warm (Very gentle and light dose) senna tea. This is probably best treated as a fiber powered drink - because the herb will expand, then coagulate and become mush,  and look like oatmeal if you let it leave sit. It's best to skull (Chug) this herb. The psyllium husk will then stick to whatever is in your body.  It will act to the waste within your system much like Draino acts to clogged up pipes. It will stick to it, and drag it out when flushed. 

These are proper methods of detoxing your body. Not only are they safer, and natural - but they are bound to make you healthier. Remember not to over Detox - or you will simply deplete your body of vitamins. Oh and one more thing readers - If you want to be clean and not have to worry about detoxing... see the foods below. Those are what you should be eating. Fresh and everyday!

"No matter how pretty the package - it's STILL a lie, a scam, and complete incorrect information!"