Breaking Free From Dependency

So it's been a while since I've made a post, and for that I do apologize. But we are most definitely getting back on track. And some of you may be wondering what may have happened to me? Why did I quit writing? Where did my words go? 

And it's quite a simple answer: I wish I knew. 

For a long time I was lost. Life seems to get harder and harder the more we grow up. The more things happen, the more painful incidents become. Money, relationships, family are all stresses that everyone has - so I am sure most of you understand when I say the following: Sometimes life just gets in your way, and the wrong turns you take lead you down dark paths and then you lose yourself in the maze we call life.  

And when you lose yourself, you lose sight of who you are, who you want to be, and who you were. I do believe I am free enough right now to say that is exactly what happened to me. And it never helps if you're in situations emotionally where you have no support - or at least you feel that way. 

Life has been hard lately. In the past couple of years, I've had a beautiful baby - she's almost 9 months as of today. And she is most definitely the best part of my life. The rest of it  kind of sucks though and I hate to say it - I can relate it all to my bad decisions. My bad decisions to involve myself with people who care nothing about taking advantage of me, or beating me down, or trying to change who I am. 

And it's just funny, because although you can't help who you love - you can choose to either let it control you, or you can 'man-up' (I say that loosely...) and choose the pain. I didn't choose the pain. I chose for a long time to let the outside influences of myself change me. 

And now I am certainly trying to get back to myself. 

Even now, I'm pining for someone who will never change, but instead wants me to break pieces of myself and throw them away so I learn to tolerate the emotional roller coaster that it is to love them. The breathless feeling of need of their presence when I know in my head it's bullshit. Nobody needs anyone. Not like that. 

We're social creatures, and we do need other people - but we never need just one person for validation. We never need to lower ourselves and put up with being confused or hurt or unclear for any extended amount of time. We choose to do that. 

We choose the pain that other people bring us. And that's what confuses us. 
"Why do they do this to me? Why would they do that? I love them so much, and they say they love me, so why do they keep hurting me?"

Why do you choose to keep letting them? It's a primal instinct to need another person. The problem with someone who has been abused once, is we feel the need for validation. We feel the need to be loved. We cling to the smallest notions of this love and validation as soon as it appears. And it creates a vicious cycle. Maybe you're not being abused again per say - but I bet deep down  - like me - you're not happy. Because those small nuggets of love and validation are few and far between. But you cling to them, because they come. 

And then never mind the off-on again cycle. Never mind all the times you feel lonely when you're not supposed to, or the fact that things are said and done that make you feel misplaced or cry. It's those little desperate nuggets when things finally do feel good. And it's like.. that's all you need right? Those little moments wipe everything away.

And so you attract only those kinds of people. Only that kind of energy. Because you feel worthless and low, and you're easy prey. You depend on these people for validation when really they can't give it to you. Not in the way you deserve. 

No one deserves to feel happy once a week or less. We deserve more than that. And if you're not - if you're in a situation where you are just clinging to the moments of happiness and the rest of the time you're stuck wondering why, or feeling out of place, or weird, or sad, or lonely... that is WRONG!

To break free from that - you need to recognize that you do deserve more. It's too hard to learn to love yourself before you break free of this circle of dependency. I am far from loving myself. It's hard to even come to terms with the fact that we do deserve more. I am struggling with it every day. 

But I'm going to write it down. And then share it with everyone who ever lays eyes on this - because that way it's out there. The energy is being manifested. And I hope it resonates with people who have been stuck in the same vicious loop of pain and lonely that I have been for years. I hope you take this to heart because - even now tears and pain are ripping through me as I write this. Because I don't believe it yet - I just know it in my mind. Next I need to feel it in my heart.

I deserve more.
I deserve to feel loved - not just sometimes - but all the time.
I deserve to not have to wonder if I am loved.
I deserve to be able to talk to my friends and not have to worry about if it's going to cause a fight. 
I deserve to feel secure. 

I don't deserve to be told I am something I am not - and that I would stray away from my feelings of devotion when I would never. 
I don't deserve to have to figure out and puzzle why one day my relationship is good, and why suddenly one day it's not. 
I don't deserve to wonder why I'm not enough. Because I am enough. And every single person who has ever genuinely loved me for who I am has told me so repeatedly. 
I don't deserve to hate myself. 
I deserve more. 

And so do you. So lets break free together. Lets look in the mirror and tell ourselves everyday that we deserve more. Until our heart believes it. Then when we figure out how to be happy on our own, how to survive without the constant pressure of up and down, fight or love, and never knowing what each day is going to be like... we will figure out how to love ourselves.

Then... we will learn how to attract people who love us for who we are - and who aren't afraid to show it.

How Closure Can Heal

I think it's reasonable to guess that almost everyone in the world has experienced a situation in which they have received no closure. Whether it be an incident, a relationship, an experience, an addiction or lifestyle, I believe we all have dealt with something that moved us deeply and created a wound in which refuses to close. In fact, I think it's safe to say majority of people have experience several things in their life in which closure seems out of reach.

The worst thing about not having closure is humans have a habit of being lured into a false sense security after so long. The wound on our hearts involving whatever situation we experienced scabs over and we think: "Okay. I'm over it. I'm healed. It doesn't hurt or bother me any more. I don't care about it." And we truly think that this is the case until something happens to cause the scab to tear and allow the pus from the festering wound to seep out in the open and assault our senses with the stench of infection. Do keep in mind I'm saying this figuratively.

I guess one good example is the situation I am currently in. My biological father was never there for me as a child, or my early adulthood. I suppose at the ripe age of 26, I am still currently still in young adulthood. As a child, I wanted his attention. As a teenager, I was hurt and angry. As an adult, I didn't think I cared any more - as I have a few very strong and solid male role models in my life to lead and guide me.  On my wedding day, I didn't think about my biological father at all. The  day I left my husband, all I wanted was authoritative father figures I currently have. I thought: "I'm okay. I turned out fine. I don't hate him any more, I don't want him around and I certainly do not care what happens."

But as I mentioned, sometimes things happen that rip open that scab and make you face the infection of animosity (or pain or anger or whatever it is that the situation you are faced with) from whatever it is in which you have no closure. And it's always a shocker. It rocks you back on your heels as if you were hit by a sudden force of pressure, and sometimes it could take days to actually sink in.

I was informed that my biological father is basically... dying to put it bluntly a week or two ago. When I was first informed I felt nothing. But as I thought about it, I realized I was on a time limit now to actually be okay with the situation. Was I okay with letting him die without telling him how much he's hurt me?

Am I okay with him not recognizing me as a person that he helped create and bring into this world ? And that I turned out to be pretty influential even though I keep my circles tight and very small?

I have come to the conclusion that perhaps I was not as healed as I have thought. I am reaching out to him... I guess even this blog post is a way of reaching out to him. Because I want him to know that I turned out fine without him. Because that is my closure. I want him to know that he hurt me. But I grew up fine in spite of it. I want to tell him I love him, I hate him, and I do not think that when he dies the tears I will cry will be out of sadness, but of regret of never really knowing him, and never being loved by him.

I have father figures who are proud of me, who I strive to make proud of me. And I am okay with that. I've come to terms with them and they love me and see me for me. And I love them.  However, everybody knows it's not the same.

Perhaps it is not the nicest closure to receive, to tell a dying man that he wasn't needed after all, and that he hurt people in his life. I'm sure as he's dying, every regret is coming to him in loads. Perhaps I am one of them in some way, shape or form. I only fear the regret of me will be my existence - but I will not let that bother me. I will tell him even though I love him, I hate him, and to not expect sadness of his death from me, only regret.

Because that will be my closure even though it's hard to say - especially since as a shaman I am to understand the neutral side of his own feelings and fears. As a daughter though, I will not spend the rest of my life hating a dead man for what he never tried to do and for what he never did. I will tell him how I feel, so that when he finally journeys into the afterlife, I do not keep him tethered by a chain of animosity, but rather one of neutral acknowledgment that he once existed and some where his spirit will continue to exist. That way I can proudly continue to say that I am a shaman, and I have strove and continue to conquer my own physical and emotional faults - so that I can continue to help people without being a hypocrite.

Because the only way to cure a wound like this is to get closure. And I strongly urge those who have something that keep them in the past, or keep them from moving forward and onto new and brighter things is to do just this: Seek closure. Let your words leak from the heart, and come rushing forth without hesitation. Because that is the only way you will get closure - and even if the situation does not go as you hope - at the end of the day you will still have closure.

The peace that comes with closure is a heavenly feeling, and it leaves the taste of progress lingering in your mouth.  Usually closure comes with a price, and the action to gain that closure feels like one of the hardest things you will have to do. And perhaps, like in my situation, the realization that you even need closure can be shocking and hard to come to terms with. But once it is done... it is completely done.

So go forth, and get your closure. You deserve it.

The Blurred Lines

"Keep your enemies close, but your friends closer."

I know, I know. The saying usually goes the other way right? But that unfortunately mostly only holds true for people like James Bond. For us normal, everyday average common-folk, unfortunately it is the people we call family and friends who turn out to be the most villainous and harmful to our lives.

When we look back in context to every one we have ever had a battle with, anyone we have intentionally strove to hurt or attack, or held a grudge against it has usually been someone we once upon a time cared for. They were either family, or someone you were once good friends with. It's a sad thing, but for the most part, fact. 

Nobody can drive a person to such degrees of anger, and extended loathing better than someone who was once close to them. There are of course, a few exceptions but they are simply too horrible to list here.  The point of it is, when we reflect on our actions what have we discovered?

Were you the person to drive that friend to hate? Or were you pressed down, walked on and back stabbed to become that person of ire? The people you hate the most, are they people you used to believe were on your side? The line between love, hate and obsession is a very small, thin and often times blurred one. And that's what makes it so hard to fight off these feelings of animosity. 

What many people fail to realize is that if someone is a good friend to you, they can easily become your worst enemy. Not just because the more they care about you, the deeper the anger will run - but because they happen to know you. And an enemy that knows you best is by far the most dangerous thing. 

So for those of you that treat those who care about you abrasively, you may want to take a step back and reflect on if that is a good idea. Because how well can a person hurt you after they've known you? Friendship and love is a very powerful thing, and you may not want to toil it away, for true friends are few and far between.

Mind how you treat those around you, be conscious of how you treat others. And keep your friends close. Because the strongest love can be turned into the most toxic of hate. 

My advice to those who do have feelings of animosity and hatred for someone you once cared for - whether they be a friend, family, or family friend - let it go. And if you cannot, then try. Do not provoke. Don't antagonize, and don't initialize. Just let it go. Life your life, love new loves, and learn to let go of the anger towards others that you have.

At the end of the day, if you cross those blurred lines, the only person you truly hurt is yourself. By the time a war is done being fought, no one truly sees eye to eye. There is no resolution. Only the end of explosive arguments. And then everyone goes off to lick their wounds on their own.

Seething in unresolved anger is not good. So find a way to let it go. Whether that be communication and forgiveness, or just simply moving on with your life and putting the thought of the one who brings out those feelings away. Let it go. So that way the past does not tether you in an endless loop of drama and pain. 

Emotional and Mental Detox

Music videos are a rare thing for me to post in my blog. But I encourage you to push play while you read this post entry.  Because it's appropriate. It's the closest thing I've ever heard Hope be put into a musical composition. Maybe that's just me I love it though. So enjoy it while reading!

Sometimes, we are overwhelmed with that dark feeling of helplessness. We fight to get out of bed in the mornings. We are are dreary throughout the day. Smiling feels out of place.  Maybe you have a vice that keeps you elevated - but makes your days prove to be worth nothing. Perhaps you don't even remember your days due to said vice. For some... being nothing is better than being themselves. And..perhaps that's understandable for some. For me, I see it as a waste of the precious life we are given. Chatting with the people you love is heavy and hard to accomplish, because all you want to do is curl up in their arms and stare in silence while they listen to it, or perhaps verbally vomit everything that's wrong.

But you don't, because you don't want to burden them. Or worry them. Or drag them down. Sometimes, finding the motivation to do your job, or work on your underachieved dreams, or function as a human being seems out of reach. It seems in your head there is a buzzing, a constant stream or noise - when all you want is silence. Or perhaps all there is in your world is the roaring, deafening silence, a nothingness - a lack of your 'something.' And all you want is to feel normal again.

The longer you stay in this slump the harder it is to drag yourself out of it. And take it from someone who knows: The harder is it to drag yourself out of it, the less likely you'll be able to do it on your own. Then who knows how far you will drop in gradual declining pit you've managed to fall in.  So... keep reading. Maybe I have some advice that will help.

And I hope you're listening to the song. Hopefully like me, it fills you with an inexplicable joy.

So maybe what you need is a cleansing. A detox of all of your fears, and stresses. Even if the source of your emotional pitfall is unknown and mysterious. Maybe its just everything causing you to feel this way. Maybe it's just life. You're feeling low, vulnerable, and weak.

So its time to relax in your favorite position, close your eyes and meditate. Yes, Meditate. I know what you're thinking, it's corny, its awful, it's cheesy, its so...generic. Shut up and just read. People never give 

You're busy? Make time. Find time. We all have time if we allow ourselves. Sometimes we forget that our selves, our mental and physical health and well-being is the priority. How can we expect to accomplish anything when we have exhausted ourselves. You cannot help others, you cannot work, you cannot function if you are do not make yourself the priority.  

So again. Relax. Anywhere is fine. Wherever you find the most soothing, comfortable, however I do recommend outdoors, in a quiet setting. Close your eyes, and take a deep breath.

Then another. Then another. Don't think about anything but your breathing.  Some of you think you can't just switch your minds off. If you can empty your mind, do it. but if you can't it's okay! Not all meditation is the same. Focus on breathing, and if your mind will not quiet, think actively about your breathing and count. Count slowly to five as you breathe in, and count slowly has you hold your breath for a few seconds, count slowly as you slowly breath out. 

If your mind wants to drift as you slowly relax. Let it  - as you relax, and truly relax, perhaps your mind can seek solace in itself, answer its own doubts. Perhaps it will simply take you to that place in your imagination where you feel the safest, happiest. Take thirty minutes to an hour for just you. For just this quiet. For your mind to roam freely - unrestrained by the logic of life or the cruelty of reality. Let it go to a place where it's soothed, comforted or where it can reason with itself. 

Sometimes it is not sleep alone that is enough to rejuvenate us. Our minds and bodies just sometimes need a moment to reboot, to balance itself.  To find that spark of motivation. To find that initial goal that drives you forward. Or to release and let go of all of the heaviness that is wearing you down - whatever it may be.  Meditation can do that. 

If you cry. You cry. Its a cleansing. A release. And that's okay too. This is detox in it's most natural form. And anything you do help yourself to get rid of the rock in your stomach, the hole in your chest, and the chip on your shoulder in this meditation is acceptable. 

Meditate to music. Or drums. Or silence. Or the darkness of night. Sit up right or lay down.  There is no "correct" way to meditate. As long as you are comfortable, and lifted from the confines the pit you've put yourself in. 

You never know. You may just come out of meditation and realize you were never in a pit to begin with.

Reflection

The reflection of our lives all shimmer differently, and sometimes its hard to see it in our own personal sky. We often times move forward on our paths and it seems as if we are moving no where at all. We feel as if the eternity that stretches before us is to long, dim, and treacherous. Where are we even going? Which fork in the road do you take? Where did that person who was just holding your hand disappear too? 

Steadily we walk forward on our paths through lives. And as we move through life we grow, change, mutate like a seedling placed in rich soil. We grow tall, and straight, or we grow to the side, we branch widely or perhaps our branches are gnarled and twisted. Sometimes we are planted in the sun, and sometimes our seed was blown in the shade. 

Can you visualize the plant you have become? Who are you? 

A question we are sometimes asked - a vital question none of us are ever sure to answer. Often when we are asked that, we stammer lamely for a second before telling our name numbly. But our name is not who we are. After all there are billions of people in this world - there are going to be at least one or two people with the same name as you. 

So...who are you? The only way to know that for sure is to reflect on your past in the path (not to be mistaken for dwelling on the past my dears). You are that the hard lesson you learned on the worst day of your life. You are the joy you felt on your best days. You are the person you chose to be when you decided to help a person or not, to save a life or watch them burn. You are who you became when you took your first indecisive steps towards something unknown and bigger than you. You are the dream that you are chasing, or the dream that you are letting slip away. You are the drug and the booze that you rely on. You are your own strength. You are your own vices.

And no one else can take that away from you. You're not a number in a file. You're not a combination of letters that make a particular sound when said phonetically. You are your greatest strength - or perhaps you are your own weakness. 

Want to know the best part on this reflection? 

It will not be the same the next time you reflect back. You are constantly changing, growing - become beautiful or ugly in your own life as you live it and make your choices. Ever changing knowledge and perception within you changes who you are and how it reflects upon you.

So the next time you are asked who you are, take a few seconds to reflect back - and let the best or worst moments spew from you. And then say your name with pride. And meaning. Because while your name may be the same as that person across town, the meaning behind your name will always be different than theirs. Doesn't that make sense?

Because personally? Who I am is far more complicated than what my many names can say. When asked who I am my answer changes: "I am the a shaman, I am one who dedicates my life to helping and saving others." The next day it could be "I am a child of the earth, sister to the sky, and friend to the sea." Or perhaps it will be: "I am a girl treading the currents of life. Someone who knows pain and joy - and manages to wrap them all in one entity." "I am a healer." "I am an emotional and mental abuse survivor." "I am the daughter of a great shaman. I have Warriors and Braves for brothers, and Sisters who are a bit of everything, but most of all filled with courage and strength."

So who am I today? Today I am a young elder, serene and reflective, filled with the desire to let everyone know they are more than a name.

So reflect. And tell me who you are today. I long to know more than just the face and name. If everyone could tell their stories, write it down as if it were a novel - they would see that who they were in the beginning of the book, who they are in the middle of their book and who they will be at the end of it... will all be monumentally different.

So who are you?