Breaking Free From Dependency

So it's been a while since I've made a post, and for that I do apologize. But we are most definitely getting back on track. And some of you may be wondering what may have happened to me? Why did I quit writing? Where did my words go? 

And it's quite a simple answer: I wish I knew. 

For a long time I was lost. Life seems to get harder and harder the more we grow up. The more things happen, the more painful incidents become. Money, relationships, family are all stresses that everyone has - so I am sure most of you understand when I say the following: Sometimes life just gets in your way, and the wrong turns you take lead you down dark paths and then you lose yourself in the maze we call life.  

And when you lose yourself, you lose sight of who you are, who you want to be, and who you were. I do believe I am free enough right now to say that is exactly what happened to me. And it never helps if you're in situations emotionally where you have no support - or at least you feel that way. 

Life has been hard lately. In the past couple of years, I've had a beautiful baby - she's almost 9 months as of today. And she is most definitely the best part of my life. The rest of it  kind of sucks though and I hate to say it - I can relate it all to my bad decisions. My bad decisions to involve myself with people who care nothing about taking advantage of me, or beating me down, or trying to change who I am. 

And it's just funny, because although you can't help who you love - you can choose to either let it control you, or you can 'man-up' (I say that loosely...) and choose the pain. I didn't choose the pain. I chose for a long time to let the outside influences of myself change me. 

And now I am certainly trying to get back to myself. 

Even now, I'm pining for someone who will never change, but instead wants me to break pieces of myself and throw them away so I learn to tolerate the emotional roller coaster that it is to love them. The breathless feeling of need of their presence when I know in my head it's bullshit. Nobody needs anyone. Not like that. 

We're social creatures, and we do need other people - but we never need just one person for validation. We never need to lower ourselves and put up with being confused or hurt or unclear for any extended amount of time. We choose to do that. 

We choose the pain that other people bring us. And that's what confuses us. 
"Why do they do this to me? Why would they do that? I love them so much, and they say they love me, so why do they keep hurting me?"

Why do you choose to keep letting them? It's a primal instinct to need another person. The problem with someone who has been abused once, is we feel the need for validation. We feel the need to be loved. We cling to the smallest notions of this love and validation as soon as it appears. And it creates a vicious cycle. Maybe you're not being abused again per say - but I bet deep down  - like me - you're not happy. Because those small nuggets of love and validation are few and far between. But you cling to them, because they come. 

And then never mind the off-on again cycle. Never mind all the times you feel lonely when you're not supposed to, or the fact that things are said and done that make you feel misplaced or cry. It's those little desperate nuggets when things finally do feel good. And it's like.. that's all you need right? Those little moments wipe everything away.

And so you attract only those kinds of people. Only that kind of energy. Because you feel worthless and low, and you're easy prey. You depend on these people for validation when really they can't give it to you. Not in the way you deserve. 

No one deserves to feel happy once a week or less. We deserve more than that. And if you're not - if you're in a situation where you are just clinging to the moments of happiness and the rest of the time you're stuck wondering why, or feeling out of place, or weird, or sad, or lonely... that is WRONG!

To break free from that - you need to recognize that you do deserve more. It's too hard to learn to love yourself before you break free of this circle of dependency. I am far from loving myself. It's hard to even come to terms with the fact that we do deserve more. I am struggling with it every day. 

But I'm going to write it down. And then share it with everyone who ever lays eyes on this - because that way it's out there. The energy is being manifested. And I hope it resonates with people who have been stuck in the same vicious loop of pain and lonely that I have been for years. I hope you take this to heart because - even now tears and pain are ripping through me as I write this. Because I don't believe it yet - I just know it in my mind. Next I need to feel it in my heart.

I deserve more.
I deserve to feel loved - not just sometimes - but all the time.
I deserve to not have to wonder if I am loved.
I deserve to be able to talk to my friends and not have to worry about if it's going to cause a fight. 
I deserve to feel secure. 

I don't deserve to be told I am something I am not - and that I would stray away from my feelings of devotion when I would never. 
I don't deserve to have to figure out and puzzle why one day my relationship is good, and why suddenly one day it's not. 
I don't deserve to wonder why I'm not enough. Because I am enough. And every single person who has ever genuinely loved me for who I am has told me so repeatedly. 
I don't deserve to hate myself. 
I deserve more. 

And so do you. So lets break free together. Lets look in the mirror and tell ourselves everyday that we deserve more. Until our heart believes it. Then when we figure out how to be happy on our own, how to survive without the constant pressure of up and down, fight or love, and never knowing what each day is going to be like... we will figure out how to love ourselves.

Then... we will learn how to attract people who love us for who we are - and who aren't afraid to show it.

Reflection

The reflection of our lives all shimmer differently, and sometimes its hard to see it in our own personal sky. We often times move forward on our paths and it seems as if we are moving no where at all. We feel as if the eternity that stretches before us is to long, dim, and treacherous. Where are we even going? Which fork in the road do you take? Where did that person who was just holding your hand disappear too? 

Steadily we walk forward on our paths through lives. And as we move through life we grow, change, mutate like a seedling placed in rich soil. We grow tall, and straight, or we grow to the side, we branch widely or perhaps our branches are gnarled and twisted. Sometimes we are planted in the sun, and sometimes our seed was blown in the shade. 

Can you visualize the plant you have become? Who are you? 

A question we are sometimes asked - a vital question none of us are ever sure to answer. Often when we are asked that, we stammer lamely for a second before telling our name numbly. But our name is not who we are. After all there are billions of people in this world - there are going to be at least one or two people with the same name as you. 

So...who are you? The only way to know that for sure is to reflect on your past in the path (not to be mistaken for dwelling on the past my dears). You are that the hard lesson you learned on the worst day of your life. You are the joy you felt on your best days. You are the person you chose to be when you decided to help a person or not, to save a life or watch them burn. You are who you became when you took your first indecisive steps towards something unknown and bigger than you. You are the dream that you are chasing, or the dream that you are letting slip away. You are the drug and the booze that you rely on. You are your own strength. You are your own vices.

And no one else can take that away from you. You're not a number in a file. You're not a combination of letters that make a particular sound when said phonetically. You are your greatest strength - or perhaps you are your own weakness. 

Want to know the best part on this reflection? 

It will not be the same the next time you reflect back. You are constantly changing, growing - become beautiful or ugly in your own life as you live it and make your choices. Ever changing knowledge and perception within you changes who you are and how it reflects upon you.

So the next time you are asked who you are, take a few seconds to reflect back - and let the best or worst moments spew from you. And then say your name with pride. And meaning. Because while your name may be the same as that person across town, the meaning behind your name will always be different than theirs. Doesn't that make sense?

Because personally? Who I am is far more complicated than what my many names can say. When asked who I am my answer changes: "I am the a shaman, I am one who dedicates my life to helping and saving others." The next day it could be "I am a child of the earth, sister to the sky, and friend to the sea." Or perhaps it will be: "I am a girl treading the currents of life. Someone who knows pain and joy - and manages to wrap them all in one entity." "I am a healer." "I am an emotional and mental abuse survivor." "I am the daughter of a great shaman. I have Warriors and Braves for brothers, and Sisters who are a bit of everything, but most of all filled with courage and strength."

So who am I today? Today I am a young elder, serene and reflective, filled with the desire to let everyone know they are more than a name.

So reflect. And tell me who you are today. I long to know more than just the face and name. If everyone could tell their stories, write it down as if it were a novel - they would see that who they were in the beginning of the book, who they are in the middle of their book and who they will be at the end of it... will all be monumentally different.

So who are you?