How Closure Can Heal

I think it's reasonable to guess that almost everyone in the world has experienced a situation in which they have received no closure. Whether it be an incident, a relationship, an experience, an addiction or lifestyle, I believe we all have dealt with something that moved us deeply and created a wound in which refuses to close. In fact, I think it's safe to say majority of people have experience several things in their life in which closure seems out of reach.

The worst thing about not having closure is humans have a habit of being lured into a false sense security after so long. The wound on our hearts involving whatever situation we experienced scabs over and we think: "Okay. I'm over it. I'm healed. It doesn't hurt or bother me any more. I don't care about it." And we truly think that this is the case until something happens to cause the scab to tear and allow the pus from the festering wound to seep out in the open and assault our senses with the stench of infection. Do keep in mind I'm saying this figuratively.

I guess one good example is the situation I am currently in. My biological father was never there for me as a child, or my early adulthood. I suppose at the ripe age of 26, I am still currently still in young adulthood. As a child, I wanted his attention. As a teenager, I was hurt and angry. As an adult, I didn't think I cared any more - as I have a few very strong and solid male role models in my life to lead and guide me.  On my wedding day, I didn't think about my biological father at all. The  day I left my husband, all I wanted was authoritative father figures I currently have. I thought: "I'm okay. I turned out fine. I don't hate him any more, I don't want him around and I certainly do not care what happens."

But as I mentioned, sometimes things happen that rip open that scab and make you face the infection of animosity (or pain or anger or whatever it is that the situation you are faced with) from whatever it is in which you have no closure. And it's always a shocker. It rocks you back on your heels as if you were hit by a sudden force of pressure, and sometimes it could take days to actually sink in.

I was informed that my biological father is basically... dying to put it bluntly a week or two ago. When I was first informed I felt nothing. But as I thought about it, I realized I was on a time limit now to actually be okay with the situation. Was I okay with letting him die without telling him how much he's hurt me?

Am I okay with him not recognizing me as a person that he helped create and bring into this world ? And that I turned out to be pretty influential even though I keep my circles tight and very small?

I have come to the conclusion that perhaps I was not as healed as I have thought. I am reaching out to him... I guess even this blog post is a way of reaching out to him. Because I want him to know that I turned out fine without him. Because that is my closure. I want him to know that he hurt me. But I grew up fine in spite of it. I want to tell him I love him, I hate him, and I do not think that when he dies the tears I will cry will be out of sadness, but of regret of never really knowing him, and never being loved by him.

I have father figures who are proud of me, who I strive to make proud of me. And I am okay with that. I've come to terms with them and they love me and see me for me. And I love them.  However, everybody knows it's not the same.

Perhaps it is not the nicest closure to receive, to tell a dying man that he wasn't needed after all, and that he hurt people in his life. I'm sure as he's dying, every regret is coming to him in loads. Perhaps I am one of them in some way, shape or form. I only fear the regret of me will be my existence - but I will not let that bother me. I will tell him even though I love him, I hate him, and to not expect sadness of his death from me, only regret.

Because that will be my closure even though it's hard to say - especially since as a shaman I am to understand the neutral side of his own feelings and fears. As a daughter though, I will not spend the rest of my life hating a dead man for what he never tried to do and for what he never did. I will tell him how I feel, so that when he finally journeys into the afterlife, I do not keep him tethered by a chain of animosity, but rather one of neutral acknowledgment that he once existed and some where his spirit will continue to exist. That way I can proudly continue to say that I am a shaman, and I have strove and continue to conquer my own physical and emotional faults - so that I can continue to help people without being a hypocrite.

Because the only way to cure a wound like this is to get closure. And I strongly urge those who have something that keep them in the past, or keep them from moving forward and onto new and brighter things is to do just this: Seek closure. Let your words leak from the heart, and come rushing forth without hesitation. Because that is the only way you will get closure - and even if the situation does not go as you hope - at the end of the day you will still have closure.

The peace that comes with closure is a heavenly feeling, and it leaves the taste of progress lingering in your mouth.  Usually closure comes with a price, and the action to gain that closure feels like one of the hardest things you will have to do. And perhaps, like in my situation, the realization that you even need closure can be shocking and hard to come to terms with. But once it is done... it is completely done.

So go forth, and get your closure. You deserve it.

Reflection

The reflection of our lives all shimmer differently, and sometimes its hard to see it in our own personal sky. We often times move forward on our paths and it seems as if we are moving no where at all. We feel as if the eternity that stretches before us is to long, dim, and treacherous. Where are we even going? Which fork in the road do you take? Where did that person who was just holding your hand disappear too? 

Steadily we walk forward on our paths through lives. And as we move through life we grow, change, mutate like a seedling placed in rich soil. We grow tall, and straight, or we grow to the side, we branch widely or perhaps our branches are gnarled and twisted. Sometimes we are planted in the sun, and sometimes our seed was blown in the shade. 

Can you visualize the plant you have become? Who are you? 

A question we are sometimes asked - a vital question none of us are ever sure to answer. Often when we are asked that, we stammer lamely for a second before telling our name numbly. But our name is not who we are. After all there are billions of people in this world - there are going to be at least one or two people with the same name as you. 

So...who are you? The only way to know that for sure is to reflect on your past in the path (not to be mistaken for dwelling on the past my dears). You are that the hard lesson you learned on the worst day of your life. You are the joy you felt on your best days. You are the person you chose to be when you decided to help a person or not, to save a life or watch them burn. You are who you became when you took your first indecisive steps towards something unknown and bigger than you. You are the dream that you are chasing, or the dream that you are letting slip away. You are the drug and the booze that you rely on. You are your own strength. You are your own vices.

And no one else can take that away from you. You're not a number in a file. You're not a combination of letters that make a particular sound when said phonetically. You are your greatest strength - or perhaps you are your own weakness. 

Want to know the best part on this reflection? 

It will not be the same the next time you reflect back. You are constantly changing, growing - become beautiful or ugly in your own life as you live it and make your choices. Ever changing knowledge and perception within you changes who you are and how it reflects upon you.

So the next time you are asked who you are, take a few seconds to reflect back - and let the best or worst moments spew from you. And then say your name with pride. And meaning. Because while your name may be the same as that person across town, the meaning behind your name will always be different than theirs. Doesn't that make sense?

Because personally? Who I am is far more complicated than what my many names can say. When asked who I am my answer changes: "I am the a shaman, I am one who dedicates my life to helping and saving others." The next day it could be "I am a child of the earth, sister to the sky, and friend to the sea." Or perhaps it will be: "I am a girl treading the currents of life. Someone who knows pain and joy - and manages to wrap them all in one entity." "I am a healer." "I am an emotional and mental abuse survivor." "I am the daughter of a great shaman. I have Warriors and Braves for brothers, and Sisters who are a bit of everything, but most of all filled with courage and strength."

So who am I today? Today I am a young elder, serene and reflective, filled with the desire to let everyone know they are more than a name.

So reflect. And tell me who you are today. I long to know more than just the face and name. If everyone could tell their stories, write it down as if it were a novel - they would see that who they were in the beginning of the book, who they are in the middle of their book and who they will be at the end of it... will all be monumentally different.

So who are you?