How Closure Can Heal

I think it's reasonable to guess that almost everyone in the world has experienced a situation in which they have received no closure. Whether it be an incident, a relationship, an experience, an addiction or lifestyle, I believe we all have dealt with something that moved us deeply and created a wound in which refuses to close. In fact, I think it's safe to say majority of people have experience several things in their life in which closure seems out of reach.

The worst thing about not having closure is humans have a habit of being lured into a false sense security after so long. The wound on our hearts involving whatever situation we experienced scabs over and we think: "Okay. I'm over it. I'm healed. It doesn't hurt or bother me any more. I don't care about it." And we truly think that this is the case until something happens to cause the scab to tear and allow the pus from the festering wound to seep out in the open and assault our senses with the stench of infection. Do keep in mind I'm saying this figuratively.

I guess one good example is the situation I am currently in. My biological father was never there for me as a child, or my early adulthood. I suppose at the ripe age of 26, I am still currently still in young adulthood. As a child, I wanted his attention. As a teenager, I was hurt and angry. As an adult, I didn't think I cared any more - as I have a few very strong and solid male role models in my life to lead and guide me.  On my wedding day, I didn't think about my biological father at all. The  day I left my husband, all I wanted was authoritative father figures I currently have. I thought: "I'm okay. I turned out fine. I don't hate him any more, I don't want him around and I certainly do not care what happens."

But as I mentioned, sometimes things happen that rip open that scab and make you face the infection of animosity (or pain or anger or whatever it is that the situation you are faced with) from whatever it is in which you have no closure. And it's always a shocker. It rocks you back on your heels as if you were hit by a sudden force of pressure, and sometimes it could take days to actually sink in.

I was informed that my biological father is basically... dying to put it bluntly a week or two ago. When I was first informed I felt nothing. But as I thought about it, I realized I was on a time limit now to actually be okay with the situation. Was I okay with letting him die without telling him how much he's hurt me?

Am I okay with him not recognizing me as a person that he helped create and bring into this world ? And that I turned out to be pretty influential even though I keep my circles tight and very small?

I have come to the conclusion that perhaps I was not as healed as I have thought. I am reaching out to him... I guess even this blog post is a way of reaching out to him. Because I want him to know that I turned out fine without him. Because that is my closure. I want him to know that he hurt me. But I grew up fine in spite of it. I want to tell him I love him, I hate him, and I do not think that when he dies the tears I will cry will be out of sadness, but of regret of never really knowing him, and never being loved by him.

I have father figures who are proud of me, who I strive to make proud of me. And I am okay with that. I've come to terms with them and they love me and see me for me. And I love them.  However, everybody knows it's not the same.

Perhaps it is not the nicest closure to receive, to tell a dying man that he wasn't needed after all, and that he hurt people in his life. I'm sure as he's dying, every regret is coming to him in loads. Perhaps I am one of them in some way, shape or form. I only fear the regret of me will be my existence - but I will not let that bother me. I will tell him even though I love him, I hate him, and to not expect sadness of his death from me, only regret.

Because that will be my closure even though it's hard to say - especially since as a shaman I am to understand the neutral side of his own feelings and fears. As a daughter though, I will not spend the rest of my life hating a dead man for what he never tried to do and for what he never did. I will tell him how I feel, so that when he finally journeys into the afterlife, I do not keep him tethered by a chain of animosity, but rather one of neutral acknowledgment that he once existed and some where his spirit will continue to exist. That way I can proudly continue to say that I am a shaman, and I have strove and continue to conquer my own physical and emotional faults - so that I can continue to help people without being a hypocrite.

Because the only way to cure a wound like this is to get closure. And I strongly urge those who have something that keep them in the past, or keep them from moving forward and onto new and brighter things is to do just this: Seek closure. Let your words leak from the heart, and come rushing forth without hesitation. Because that is the only way you will get closure - and even if the situation does not go as you hope - at the end of the day you will still have closure.

The peace that comes with closure is a heavenly feeling, and it leaves the taste of progress lingering in your mouth.  Usually closure comes with a price, and the action to gain that closure feels like one of the hardest things you will have to do. And perhaps, like in my situation, the realization that you even need closure can be shocking and hard to come to terms with. But once it is done... it is completely done.

So go forth, and get your closure. You deserve it.

The Blurred Lines

"Keep your enemies close, but your friends closer."

I know, I know. The saying usually goes the other way right? But that unfortunately mostly only holds true for people like James Bond. For us normal, everyday average common-folk, unfortunately it is the people we call family and friends who turn out to be the most villainous and harmful to our lives.

When we look back in context to every one we have ever had a battle with, anyone we have intentionally strove to hurt or attack, or held a grudge against it has usually been someone we once upon a time cared for. They were either family, or someone you were once good friends with. It's a sad thing, but for the most part, fact. 

Nobody can drive a person to such degrees of anger, and extended loathing better than someone who was once close to them. There are of course, a few exceptions but they are simply too horrible to list here.  The point of it is, when we reflect on our actions what have we discovered?

Were you the person to drive that friend to hate? Or were you pressed down, walked on and back stabbed to become that person of ire? The people you hate the most, are they people you used to believe were on your side? The line between love, hate and obsession is a very small, thin and often times blurred one. And that's what makes it so hard to fight off these feelings of animosity. 

What many people fail to realize is that if someone is a good friend to you, they can easily become your worst enemy. Not just because the more they care about you, the deeper the anger will run - but because they happen to know you. And an enemy that knows you best is by far the most dangerous thing. 

So for those of you that treat those who care about you abrasively, you may want to take a step back and reflect on if that is a good idea. Because how well can a person hurt you after they've known you? Friendship and love is a very powerful thing, and you may not want to toil it away, for true friends are few and far between.

Mind how you treat those around you, be conscious of how you treat others. And keep your friends close. Because the strongest love can be turned into the most toxic of hate. 

My advice to those who do have feelings of animosity and hatred for someone you once cared for - whether they be a friend, family, or family friend - let it go. And if you cannot, then try. Do not provoke. Don't antagonize, and don't initialize. Just let it go. Life your life, love new loves, and learn to let go of the anger towards others that you have.

At the end of the day, if you cross those blurred lines, the only person you truly hurt is yourself. By the time a war is done being fought, no one truly sees eye to eye. There is no resolution. Only the end of explosive arguments. And then everyone goes off to lick their wounds on their own.

Seething in unresolved anger is not good. So find a way to let it go. Whether that be communication and forgiveness, or just simply moving on with your life and putting the thought of the one who brings out those feelings away. Let it go. So that way the past does not tether you in an endless loop of drama and pain.