When You Fail - You Succeed

When You Fail, You Are On The Right Path to Success. 

I believe that the only way a person can grow, is to put a conscious effort into it. And whether you are growing a business, expanding yourself personally, or even just looking for a little motivation - I truly believe that the key to that is personal mental growth. 

And in my opinion, one of the biggest keys to self-growth is gaining a new perspective on what we call 'failure.' Failure can be defined as so many things - each individual can look at themselves and pick out mental and emotional sores from experiences that they deem as failures. Personally, financially, business wise, socially, and so on and so forth. 

Recently, I had some severe failures of my own. Personally and business-wise - and those failures were directly entwined with each other. And I could not get past it. I kept thinking: "If only I had done this." Or "I should have walked away." "I wasted so much time." I was so fixated on my failures - that I could not move forward beyond those failures. 

You know what they say though - you are and always will be your own worst critic - and in being that you are your own worst enemy when it comes to achieving success. 

So I did some digging and found a wonderful book - written by an established and wonderful author named John Maxwell. The book was titled "Failing Forward." The title immediately caught my eye - and it was on my list of self-growth books that I needed to read anyway. 

And it was the first few chapters where I found the keys to my own enlightenment.  So I would like to 'dumb down' a few of the main points here that Maxwell explained in his book - and share it with all of my readers.  These points were so amazing, and so thought provoking that it was within the first few chapters that I was able to begin moving forward and taking my failures with me to a new path - where I very strongly hope to succeed - using my failures as my cornerstone and foundation for my success. 

So first we need to understand what failure is. Everyone has their own definition. And most of the time, it has a negative definition. The very word failure sends ripples of anxiety and fear in most people. Because we have all, for the most part, been raised to believe that failure is objective, that it's permanent, that it's a stain on ourselves that will forever be remembered.  Basically, in a nutshell most people view failure as: "You did not succeed. You failed. And in doing so, you have brought shame upon yourself, your family, and your cow." - Yes. I just made a Mulan reference. Go watch it after you read this. It's a great movie. 

So what is failure truly? The true definition of failure is this: "Failure is the price we pay for success."

John Maxwell explained this beautifully in his book, and it comes up repeatedly throughout it. He felt the urgency to repeat it several times - so I will take a page from his book - (get it?) - and so will I.

Failure is the price we pay for success.

All roads that lead to accomplishment, success and triumph lead through the land of failure.  This is a semi edited statement taken directly out of John Maxwell's book. And he is absolutely right! He gives many stories of great people of importance in history, with detailed accounts of their failures and what brought them to success. But I am going to just highlight a few ones of important note.

Albert Einstein is perhaps my most favorite historical figure to think about when I'm feeling hard on myself. He had the most amazing view of failure, and some of his most famous quote give you quite an insight to it. To list a few of those quotes that explain how failure is a success:

• "A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new."
• "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."
• "Once you stop learning, you start dying."
• "It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer."

Or what about Thomas Edison's quote about failure? 

• "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

And a personal hero of mine - J.K Rowling. She was rejected by 12 publishers. But because she did not give up - look at the monumental BRAND that "Harry Potter" is today. Same with a lesser favored "Twilight" series, that was rejected by 14 publishers! 

The most important thing to learn here is that failure is not objective, it's subjective. John Maxwell explains this concept beautifully in his book - but here is a simple break down of it.  Only you can label yourself, make yourself feel or look like a failure. As John Maxwell informed me - failure is not a stigma unless you make it a stigma on yourself. 

So... the difference between "achieving" people and "average" or "failing" people?  Point of view of course. Perspective. So the first step for me, was that I needed a new definition, a new perspective and a new approach to my failures. 

Maxwell highlighted a few important key facts that I have made a conscious decision to apply to myself. And they key factors are dramatically helping me every day change my perspective - so that I can continue to "fail forward," instead of just failing. 

1. Achievers reject rejection and do not take failure personally.
2. Achievers don't see failure as permanent. 
3. Achievers see incidents of 'failure' as isolated events. 
4. Achievers keep REASONABLE and REALISTIC goals - I am so guilty of setting almost impossible goals - which in turn sets me up for failure. 
5. Achievers focus on strengths, and what they CAN do - and they try to hone their weaknesses in their spare time so that they can add them to the strengths list. 
6. Achievers try a variety of methods to succeed in their goals. If one way does not work - they try again a different way (Heeeey, Mr. Edison!)
7. Achievers bounce back. Life is a series of 'outcomes.' And every outcome is a lesson - and that most certainly includes 'failures.' 

So from here on out. Stop letting the fear of "failure" paralyze you, stop procrastinating, stop feeling hopeless and like you have no meaning to your life, stop avoiding what you are afraid of, and stop being inactive. 

Because according to both John Maxwell - AND Albert Einstein - "A life full of mistakes is more honorable than one of non-action." 

And I would be to agree. Whatever your goals are, remember to make reasonable and realistic goals - and if you don't succeed ... try again. You didn't fail. You just didn't quite succeed that time around. But that doesn't mean you can't. 

So quit smoking. Get promoted. Build a business. Fall in love. Go make a friend. Tell that terrible truth. And be free knowing that ALL success is a direct result from failure.

Oh! And if you're wondering - YES! You can read this amazing book. You can actually find it on Youtube  - the entire audio book for free. However - you can also find it on Amazon.com. If you are struggling with failure, and how to get past it - I super DUPER recommend John Maxwell's "Failing Forward."  It will move you and help you better understand failure, so that you can reach your personal success. 

How Closure Can Heal

I think it's reasonable to guess that almost everyone in the world has experienced a situation in which they have received no closure. Whether it be an incident, a relationship, an experience, an addiction or lifestyle, I believe we all have dealt with something that moved us deeply and created a wound in which refuses to close. In fact, I think it's safe to say majority of people have experience several things in their life in which closure seems out of reach.

The worst thing about not having closure is humans have a habit of being lured into a false sense security after so long. The wound on our hearts involving whatever situation we experienced scabs over and we think: "Okay. I'm over it. I'm healed. It doesn't hurt or bother me any more. I don't care about it." And we truly think that this is the case until something happens to cause the scab to tear and allow the pus from the festering wound to seep out in the open and assault our senses with the stench of infection. Do keep in mind I'm saying this figuratively.

I guess one good example is the situation I am currently in. My biological father was never there for me as a child, or my early adulthood. I suppose at the ripe age of 26, I am still currently still in young adulthood. As a child, I wanted his attention. As a teenager, I was hurt and angry. As an adult, I didn't think I cared any more - as I have a few very strong and solid male role models in my life to lead and guide me.  On my wedding day, I didn't think about my biological father at all. The  day I left my husband, all I wanted was authoritative father figures I currently have. I thought: "I'm okay. I turned out fine. I don't hate him any more, I don't want him around and I certainly do not care what happens."

But as I mentioned, sometimes things happen that rip open that scab and make you face the infection of animosity (or pain or anger or whatever it is that the situation you are faced with) from whatever it is in which you have no closure. And it's always a shocker. It rocks you back on your heels as if you were hit by a sudden force of pressure, and sometimes it could take days to actually sink in.

I was informed that my biological father is basically... dying to put it bluntly a week or two ago. When I was first informed I felt nothing. But as I thought about it, I realized I was on a time limit now to actually be okay with the situation. Was I okay with letting him die without telling him how much he's hurt me?

Am I okay with him not recognizing me as a person that he helped create and bring into this world ? And that I turned out to be pretty influential even though I keep my circles tight and very small?

I have come to the conclusion that perhaps I was not as healed as I have thought. I am reaching out to him... I guess even this blog post is a way of reaching out to him. Because I want him to know that I turned out fine without him. Because that is my closure. I want him to know that he hurt me. But I grew up fine in spite of it. I want to tell him I love him, I hate him, and I do not think that when he dies the tears I will cry will be out of sadness, but of regret of never really knowing him, and never being loved by him.

I have father figures who are proud of me, who I strive to make proud of me. And I am okay with that. I've come to terms with them and they love me and see me for me. And I love them.  However, everybody knows it's not the same.

Perhaps it is not the nicest closure to receive, to tell a dying man that he wasn't needed after all, and that he hurt people in his life. I'm sure as he's dying, every regret is coming to him in loads. Perhaps I am one of them in some way, shape or form. I only fear the regret of me will be my existence - but I will not let that bother me. I will tell him even though I love him, I hate him, and to not expect sadness of his death from me, only regret.

Because that will be my closure even though it's hard to say - especially since as a shaman I am to understand the neutral side of his own feelings and fears. As a daughter though, I will not spend the rest of my life hating a dead man for what he never tried to do and for what he never did. I will tell him how I feel, so that when he finally journeys into the afterlife, I do not keep him tethered by a chain of animosity, but rather one of neutral acknowledgment that he once existed and some where his spirit will continue to exist. That way I can proudly continue to say that I am a shaman, and I have strove and continue to conquer my own physical and emotional faults - so that I can continue to help people without being a hypocrite.

Because the only way to cure a wound like this is to get closure. And I strongly urge those who have something that keep them in the past, or keep them from moving forward and onto new and brighter things is to do just this: Seek closure. Let your words leak from the heart, and come rushing forth without hesitation. Because that is the only way you will get closure - and even if the situation does not go as you hope - at the end of the day you will still have closure.

The peace that comes with closure is a heavenly feeling, and it leaves the taste of progress lingering in your mouth.  Usually closure comes with a price, and the action to gain that closure feels like one of the hardest things you will have to do. And perhaps, like in my situation, the realization that you even need closure can be shocking and hard to come to terms with. But once it is done... it is completely done.

So go forth, and get your closure. You deserve it.